The Princess announced that she would marry the man who could speak for himself. Two brothers who lived in the country prepared. One memorized the dictionary and spent a week listening to evening news. The other went to the courthouse to listen to pronouncements of the judges; he thought that this would prepare him for discussing affairs of state. He could also embroider suspenders.

“I will win the Princess!” each one said. The father gave to the one who had memorized the dictionary a coal black horse; and to the one who knew the court cases and could embroider suspenders a milky white one. After they mounted their horses, they rubbed their lips with cod liver oil to make them more glib.

All the servants were lined up in the courtyard to say good-bye when the third brother appeared. Did I mention him? No, well, no one spoke about him. He wasn’t a scholar. His name was Hans Clodhopper.

“Where are you going all dressed up like that?” he asked the brothers.

“Haven’t you heard what the drums beating and the heralds proclaiming?” The princess has said she will marry the man who can speak for himself.”

“Here I am,” said Hans.

The brothers laughed at him and rode away.

“Father, give me a horse. I’ve just decided to get married. If she takes me well and good; if she doesn’t I’ll take her anyway.”

“Nonsense,” said the father, “you’ve never a clever word to say for yourself whereas your brothers are a couple of bright sparks.”

“Well, if you won’t give me a horse, I’ll take the billy goat. He’s my own and strong enough to carry me.” He jumped on the billy goat, struck him with his heels, and galloped down the road at break-neck speed.

“Whooo-eee!!! Ho—ho ho! Here I am!” shouted Hans.

“Shh-Shhh,” said the brothers who were practicing their answers that had to be perfect.

“Here I am! Ho ho ho! Hey-HO! Out of my way. Oh, look what I found!” And he showed them a dead crow.

“What are you going to do with that?” asked the brothers.

“Give it to the princess,” Hans replied.

“Why don’t’ you? She’ll love it.” And they rode faster because they didn’t want to be seen with their brother.

“Ho- ho ho! The sun is shining. The sky is blue. Oh look what I found now! You don’t see this kind of thing every day on the road. Treasures!”

The brothers turned to see what it was. “An old wooden shoe,” they said. “Are you going to give that to the princess too?”

“Of course!”

“Ho ho ho. Oh this is the best of all. The very best.”

“What have you found now?”

“Can’t tell. It’s too marvelous.”

“What?”

“No.”

“Oh, please,” the brothers begged.

Clodhopper opened his hands.

“Mud!” exclaimed the brothers.

“Mud from the ditch! But the finest quality mud. It just slips through your fingers.” And he filled his back pockets with the finest quality mud.

The brothers shook their heads and rode on to the city gate where they arrived an hour before Hans and were packed so tightly in rows of six that they couldn’t move their arms, which was just as well, otherwise one of them might have knifed the one in front because he had gotten there earlier.

All the inhabitants of the city were gathered around the palace, peering through the windows to watch as the suitors spoke to the princess. But, as each suitor went in, he became tongue-tied and the princess would say, “No good, scoot.” And he would have to scoot.

Then came the turn of the first brother. You know the one who had memorized the dictionary and forgotten it while standing in line? He walked in. The floor creaked, and there was a mirror on the ceiling so he was standing upside down. At the window stood a judge and three journalists, writing down everything that was being said in order to publish it in the next day’s newspaper.

It was a terrible ordeal and on top of all that, the fire was lit and it was summer.

“It’s hot in here,” said the first brother.

“That’s because my father’s roasting cockerels--little roosters,” said the princess.

Bahh—there he stood with his mouth open. He hadn’t expected her to say that. He had prepared another answer, but.Bahhh—

“No good,” said the princess. “Scoot!”And he had to scoot.

Then the second brother came in. “It’s d-d-d-d-dreadfully hot in here,” he said. And the journalists wrote down d-d-d-d-d-

“No good,” said the princess. “Scoot.”

Then came the turn of Hans Clodhopper. He rode right into the hall on his billy goat.

“I say it’s terrifically hot in here.”

“Yes,” the princess agreed. “I’m roasting cockerels today.”

“Oh, what a bit of good luck. I suppose I can get my crow roasted?”

“Why yes, but have you a pan? All of ours are being used.”

“Turns out that I do,” he said. And he took out from his pocket the broken wooden shoe and put the crow in it.

“Well that looks like enough for a good meal,” she said, “but where’s the gravy?”

“I have the finest quality in my back pocket.” And he sprinkled some mud from his pocket over the crow.

“Splendid,” said the princess. “You can think for yourself. You can speak for yourself and you’re just the man I want to marry. But do you realize that every word we are saying is being written down by the journalists to be published in tomorrow’s paper? The judge is the worse because he doesn’t really understand.” The princess said this to frighten Hans. The journalists tittered and one dropped his pen.

Hans wasn’t at all frightened. “Well if he is so important,” Hans said, “then let me give them the finest quality.” And he flung the remainder of the finest quality mud directly in the Mayor’s face.

“Wow!” said the princess. “I never would have thought of that. But I’ll learn.”

And so that’s how it was that Hans won a wife of his own, a throne of his own and a crown of his own. But whether any of this is true or not, I cannot say because I read it in the local newspaper and you know how reliable that is.